


The Brighter That We Shine

by Gleedegrassibigfan



Series: What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo [1]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Autistic Matteo, Autistic Matteo Florenzi, Canon Compliant, Canon Trans Character, Davenzi, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attack, Sensory Overload, Sensory Processing Disorder, Trans Male Character, Undiagnosed Autism, What Is It Exactly: Autistic Matteo, autistic author, autistic headcanon, autistic!matteo, lots of references to Sontag 10:53, takes place during season 4 probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 19:22:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20031043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gleedegrassibigfan/pseuds/Gleedegrassibigfan
Summary: David sighed as softly as he could, not being able to keep himself from thinking about how beautiful Matteo was. But he caught himself and stopped that train of thought before it took over. He didn’t want to romanticize the pain he knew Matteo was in. As peacefully as he looked, David knew he wasn’t at peace. David knew from every other moment just like this one, that Matteo was in his deepest pain.David knew that pain. That pain where everyone is watching you, and suddenly your chest feels ten times tighter than it usually does, and—Okay, so David knew a pain. For as many times as David had felt his stomach turn over and had watched Matteo fall apart at the seams over the smallest things, David would never truly know Matteo’s pain the way Matteo did. But knowing a pain, his own pain, sure as hell made it easier for him to be there for Matteo.~or~Matteo has a panic attack/sensory overload attack at a party, so David comforts him and they end up having a conversation about what Matteo is feeling and experiencing.





	The Brighter That We Shine

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I have been reading fanfiction for years and I am majoring in creative writing at college, yet this is my first fanfic! I am also majoring in disability studies at college and as a disabled woman with autism and sensory processing disorder, these topics are very close to my heart. I have always headcanoned Matteo as autistic (in fact, you can read my meta-analysis about that at this link: https://gleedegrassi-bigfan.tumblr.com/post/185083197859/the-autistic-matteo-headcanon-i-didnt-know-i) so it was only a matter of time before I wrote a fanfic about autistic Matteo. 
> 
> In this fic, he is undiagnosed and really struggling with that. I pulled a lot from own experience as an undiagnosed teenager. David is doing his best to support him through this difficult time in his life and is able to use his own experiences as a trans guy to empathize and understand to some degree. I am not trans, and I tried not to overstep or mischaracterize, but please let me know if anything I wrote is inaccurate or offensive. I'll edit accordingly!
> 
> This fic probably takes place sometime in season 4; Stephan and Hanna are together, Amira's brothers and Mohammad are still pretty new to the group and the flatshare still exists as we last left it. 
> 
> Title from "For The Last Time" by Dean Lewis. 
> 
> Okay, enough of my rambling-- enjoy!

Matteo was lying on his bed this time. Sometimes he was draped across his chair, or sprawled out on the floor. One time David even found him curled up underneath his desk. But this time, Matteo has chosen his bed as his escape from the rambunctious party just on the other side of the thin wooden door. 

He was lying the opposite way, his head at the foot of the bed, his body completely uncovered by a blanket of any kind. He was clutching his patterned throw pillow with his arms crossed over it. That was a constant. No matter where Matteo was in his room, David had never seen Matteo having a panic attack or whatever this was without holding on to that pillow for dear life. 

David’s eyes moved up from the pillow and to his boyfriend’s face. His headphones were not on, but instead lying discarded around his neck. His mouth was tightly closed. David was still hovering by the door, but if he squinted hard enough, it was almost clear that Matteo was slightly biting his lower lip. It didn’t take squinting for David to notice Matteo’s eyes. They were closed. Gently, beautifully closed. His long eyelashes rested seemingly peacefully under his veiny eyelids. 

David sighed as softly as he could, not being able to keep himself from thinking about how beautiful Matteo was. But he caught himself and stopped that train of thought before it took over. He didn’t want to romanticize the pain he knew Matteo was in. As peacefully as he looked, David knew he wasn’t at peace. David knew from every other moment just like this one, that Matteo was in his deepest pain. 

David knew that pain. That pain where everyone is watching you, and suddenly your chest feels ten times tighter than it usually does, and—

Okay, so David knew _a_ pain. For as many times as David had felt his stomach turn over and had watched Matteo fall apart at the seams over the smallest things, David would never truly know Matteo’s pain the way Matteo did. But knowing _a_ pain, his own pain, sure as hell made it easier for him to be there for Matteo. ____

_ _ _ _David knew what it felt like to need to run and hide, and so did Matteo. Their pain was different, but they dealt with it in the same way. Trains out of town, locked bedroom doors, empty abandoned buildings, joint after joint after joint. They had been operating like this for years, completely independent of each other. It was only when they found each other that it became clear that neither leaving without a trace or escaping through whatever intoxicating substance was nearest were not the best way to deal with pain. Those coping mechanisms just ended up causing more pain in the long run. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _At first glance at their life now, their life together, it seemed like their days of running and escaping and hiding were behind them, but David and Matteo both knew that it wasn’t. It probably never would be— it was not lost on either of them that their pain was the chronic kind. But David knew now that running was not always weak, that sometimes running or hiding is the strongest thing you can do. David realized somewhere along the line, that if he did it right, space with a promise of a return was a beautiful thing that eased his soul and the souls of those who cared most about him. David still took the occasional rest trip out to Fürstenberg, but he made a point to always be in contact with Matteo and Laura when he did, to always come back on time, and to do his best to fill them in on what he was feeling, why he needed a few days to himself and what he processed through while he was alone. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _It wasn’t a conscious thing, but somehow, Matteo picked up this practice of mindful alone time from David. Anytime he was feeling overwhelmed or scared or confused or tired or just done, he would tap out, whether it was ping pong with the boys, date night or, like tonight, a party. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _It was Linn’s birthday, and while she, like Matteo, wasn’t a huge party person, Hans took every excuse to throw a party at the flatshare. And if there was a party at the flatshare, it was a given that everyone would be there no matter what the occasion. Even Amira’s bothers and their curly-haired friend who the group had been hanging out with more and more came to the party. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _It was the curried haired friend— Mohammad, if David remembered correctly— that he had been talking to when he noticed Matteo leaning blankly against the wall across the apartment. He was standing with one foot on the wall so his knee was bent forward as Carlos and Abdi chatted, no doubt yelling to be heard over the music. Matteo didn’t seem to be contributing to the conversation much. That was fairly normal, but David could tell by his glazed over look, his upward tilted chin and his hands, one of which roamed up and down the side of the bookcase he was standing by while the other remained fearfully still in his pocket, that Matteo was very close to reaching the end of his rope for the evening. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _David tried to focus on Mohammad’s story— something about lemons and slavery maybe?— but he knew where his attention needed to be. It wasn’t long after noticing Matteo’s growing disengagement and uncomfort that Matteo shifted. He brought his foot back down to the ground and slightly pushed himself off the wall. His gazed down, no chance for eye contact. David was far away, but he knew Matteo’s mannerisms and this scene well enough to know that Matteo was mumbling something to the boys. They both leaned in to hear him say his rehearsed line, which was undoubtedly something like “I need to take some time” or “I’m going to be done now,” or David’s personal favorite for flatshare parties “I’m going home.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Abdi and Carlos both nodded to Matteo, and he left then standing there, receiving a pat on the back from Abdi has he walked away. David wasn’t sure if that pat would be the end of the world to Matteo or the best thing he could have experienced in that moment. Matteo’s relationship to touch was still perplexing to David and even to Matteo. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Just a minutes after Matteo disappeared into his room— his home even within his home— David felt the buzz in his pocket, just like he knew he would. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _He excused himself from Mohammad, and read the message. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Passed my point. Can you come in a few?”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Of course <3” was all he said in response, but it was all he needed to say. David killed a few minutes around the apartment, picking up a few empty beer bottles from tables and saying casual pleasantries when he saw people he knew. When he came into the kitchen to dispose of the bottles, he came across Jonas. His happy party face shifted to a softer, worried face as he saw David and jointed him by the sink. Jonas knew this routine too. It wasn’t the first time David had cleaned up the flatshare during or after a party while letting Matteo have a few moments of alone time before coming to be with him, and it wouldn’t be the last. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Matteo did seem a little more Matteo than usual tonight,” Jonas said. David was slightly off-put by Jonas’s way of describing what was going on, but even he couldn’t think of a better way of describing it, so he just continued calmly._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Yeah, he’s in his room now,” David said. “Did anything happen in particular?” David had danced with Matteo a little at the beginning of the party after he had arrived, but it was normal for them to go their separate ways after a while, Matteo not wanting to hinder David from being the social butterfly that he so easily was. If Matteo could be more social he would, but usually, he just didn’t have it in him. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Not really,” Jonas sighed. “Nothing that I noticed. But, you know.” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _David nodded. He knew. Matteo was able to perceive things that no one else could perceive, be bothered by things that no one else noticed, and hide it like it was his job. Just because he was getting better at taking the initiative to politely and smartly remove himself from situations that caused him pain didn’t mean he knew how to bring people into that pain in a casual, informative way. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Jonas pulled his phone out of his pocket after his text tone went off— a text from Hanna. She and Stephan had been at a dinner party hosted by one of his Greenpeace colleagues, and it appeared they were just now heading over. David looked at the time on Jonas’s phone and decided it had been long enough. It was time to go to Matteo’s room. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _He placed a friendly hand on Jonas’ shoulder, as a goodbye to Jonas. He looked up from his phone, and said, “Good luck with him.” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“You too, brudi, you too,” David said head gesturing towards the phone. He knew it was different, though. Jonas didn’t want to have to deal with Stephan, while David loved Matteo unconditionally and didn’t even think of it as “dealing with” something. This was just their life. Being there for each other in these moments was just what they did. He appreciated Jonas’s wish of good luck, but David didn’t need luck to love his partner. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _David soon found himself in front of Matteo’s door. On the door handle hung the “Do Not Disturb” sign that Hans had gifted them after he had walked in on them one too many times. David wasn’t sure why Hans hasn’t gotten the message from the sounds that had to have been escaping through the thin door, but David was nonetheless happy that Matteo now had the sign. They used it for Hans’ intended purpose, sure, but it came much more in handy for nights like this. It was a part of the routine. Casual line of exit to whoever he was with, going to his room, putting the sign on the door, a text to David, David giving him a few moments to settle in alone and then David coming to be with him. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _David pushed open the unlocked door— another key piece of their mindful alone time routine— and found Matteo lying there on his bed. After pausing for a moment to assess the sight, he began slowly taking steps towards the bed. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Hi, Matteo,” he said quietly. Matteo didn’t say anything in response, but David wasn’t expecting him to. Matteo hardly ever spoke when he was like this, and David was used to it by know. The first few times David came to comfort Matteo in moments like this, it was a bit awkward, David unsure what Matteo needed from him and Matteo unsure how to communicate those needs without words. Their connection was rock solid, but that didn’t make the communication barrier completely disintegrate in moments like this. But what did was the conversation they had finally had a few weeks ago. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Over Pasta a la Luigi at David’s place one night, Matteo had suddenly brought it up. “You know how the other night when you came over I wasn’t talking?” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Yeah?” David had responded remembering the night well. Matteo had been alone all day until David had arrived for a casual night together, and yet when he did arrive, Matteo was passed his point. Matteo couldn’t even tell him why. He didn’t speak, he barely moved, and David had ended up going home a few hours later without any words or physical contact between the two. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I wanted you there, I am sorry I couldn’t say it,” Matteo said, trying his best to make eye contact. “Tell you to stay.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Why couldn’t you?” David asked quickly. He backtracked, though, when he saw the uncertain look in Matteo’s eyes. “It is okay, I’m not mad. I just want to understand.” David still had to manually stop his fast natured impulses from time to time around Matteo who’s brain never moved that fast, except maybe when his fear spiked and his anxiety spiraled. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Matteo settled into his chair a bit, looking inquisitively at his fork as he slowly circled it around the saucy mess of noddles and garlic. Then he jerked his head back up, and said to the ceiling, “It’s like I have the words in my head, but I just can’t say them no matter how hard I try.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _David paused a moment, not wanting to rush into an answer. Finally, he settled on, “So their stuck?”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Their stuck,” Matteo said slowly, eyes starting to move from the ceiling to David. “And I can’t get them out. The more I try, the less it works.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“So maybe don’t try,” David suggested. Matteo huffed a small laugh at the statement, which sounded like bad advice in any other situation. “I’m serious, maybe if you just don’t think so hard it will be easier?” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“No, you might be on to something. Maybe I’ll try that next time,” Matteo said before shoving a bite of pasta into his mouth. While he chewed David thought some more but didn’t speak, letting Matteo stay in control of the conversation. David could sense he wasn’t done. “I just want to tell you,” Matteo said upon swallowing. He looked back up at David for a moment, before scratching his neck and looking to the side. “That next time that happens you should probably stay. And you should probably, like, hold me or something.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Is that comforting when you are in that place? Me holding you?” David asked. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Yeah, I think so. I mean, sometimes not, but if it’s too much I’ll be able to tell you. Saying no or whatever is always easier.” Matteo paused for another moment. “Or you’ll just be able to tell. You are good at being able to tell.” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Matteo was right, David was good at being able to tell. Sometimes he doubted himself, but after hearing Matteo tell him point blank, he got more confident in his ability to read Matteo. Words aren’t the only way to communicate, after all. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _For instance, that night of the party, David could tell from the position that Matteo was in that he wanted company. He was lying on the edge of the bed, the whole other side completely unoccupied. David toed off his shoes and carefully climbed up onto the bed. For a moment, David was unsure of what to do next. Matteo was facing in towards the room, back to the windows, which meant there was no room for David to spoon him from behind. That was a position that he knew Matteo liked all the time, but especially in moments like this. But given the position Matteo was in, and how he did not turn over or move to give David room to hold him entirely, David figured that wasn’t what Matteo needed or could handle right then. Matteo also made no effort to move his hands so they could be held, so David just shifted to lie down next to Matteo, facing him. He gazed at Matteo’s closed eyes, now wishing they were open. He knew Matteo wasn’t okay, but a silly little voice in his head that didn’t understand how any of this worked told him that if Matteo would just open his eyes, that would be a sign that everything was alright. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _A few moments after lying down, David realized that their feet were just inches apart. Thank god they were the same height. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Matteo, would it be okay we crossed our ankles?” David asked. It sounded a little weird, even to David. It would have been so much smoother, so much more romantic, if he has just done it. But just doing it wasn’t respecting Matteo. David was pretty sure Matteo would be okay with it, but he wanted to give him the chance to say "yes" or "no," or rather indicate "yes" or "no" however he could. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Sure enough, David felt a toe on his ankle a few seconds later. That was his yes. That was what he could do. So David continued the action, crossing his ankle over Matteo’s outstretched one. Before long, they worked together to tangle their feet together and settled into the position. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _It reminded David of their first time, their first morning after. He hadn’t even been thinking about that when he got the idea. It was just such a nice form of intimacy, small, subtle, noninvasive. David’s mind drifted back to that morning, the night before, the day before, that whole weekend, that whole week. He stopped his mind before he went back too far. He didn’t like thinking about those memories, and he had decided a long time ago that he wouldn’t think about them if he could help it. Sometimes he couldn’t help it; those were the times that Matteo would let him board a train and then flip through David’s sketchbook while he listened to David talk about his time with his godmother. But this wasn’t that kind of day. This was the kind of day where Matteo would come down off his panic attack while David kept him company, wordless but supportive. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Eventually, David’s happy memories of his times with Matteo lulled his own eyes to close. In doing so, he missed the way Matteo’s eyes gradually closed tighter and tighter. He missed the way Matteo released his lip from his teeth. The way Matteo opened his mouth and closed it again. He did not, though, miss the way Matteo took in a sharp breath. That sound brought him out of his memories of shakshuka and swapped clothes. He saw that the outwardly calm face he had closed his eyes to had become the tight, almost contorted, overwhelmed face in front of him. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _He started to ask what was wrong or reach out for his pillow clasping hand, but he saw Matteo’s mouth open ever so slightly, so he stopped himself. He didn’t want to do anything to startle Matteo or get in the way of him being able to speak. He did slightly pull Matteo’s ankle closer to his, a subtle, silent way of telling Matteo that he was there for him through a physical connection they had already established. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Can you turn off the lamp?” Matteo mumbled out after a few more moments of hard work and anticipation. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _David hadn’t even noticed the lamp was on, but upon Matteo pointing it out, David glanced over at the lamp in the corner of the room to find it radiating light. It was the only source of light in the room, besides the unavoidable street lights streaming through the curtains. No wonder Matteo was facing away from the windows. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Yes, yes, of course,” David said not a moment later. He slowly and carefully removed his feet from Matteo’s and pushed himself up and off the bed. He did his best to walk quietly to turn off the lamp, but the floorboards creaked and cracked just like they always did. David looked back over at Matteo to see if the sound caused him to flinch, but it didn’t. Matteo had actually removed one hadn’t from the pillow to remove his headphones from his neck and drop them into the laundry basket close by on the floor. David turned his attention back to the lamp, and with a quick twist of the protruding knob by the bulb, the light disappeared and the room was almost entirely dark. It was just about as dark as it had ever been. David could hear the breath Matteo let out as soon as the darkness hit his eyes. He didn’t even need to turn back around to know that Matteo was happier, that the main source of his pain was gone. But he did turn around. He always turned out. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _David got back onto the bed, assuming the same position as before, ankles and everything. Matteo’s eyes were open this time. David couldn’t help but say a quiet “hi” again upon seeing Matteo’s eyes like this for the first time since they had been on the dance floor hours earlier. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Matteo didn’t say anything in return, but he smiled. It was smaller, less dorky than usual, but it was a smile nonetheless. The light was off, but Matteo wasn’t yet free of the way it had made his skin crawl and mind race and body grow heavy and weightless at the same time. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _The smile faded after some time. David wasn’t sure how long they laid there like that, eyes open but not particularly looking at each other. Well, David was looking at Matteo, but Matteo was more looking through David than at him. His mind was somewhere else._ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I’m exhausted,” Matteo said softly after a while. If David was startled by Matteo’s sudden verbalization, he didn’t show it. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I know,” he said, hand tracing a thread on the bedspread. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“No, I don’t just mean tonight,” Matteo said. David stopped his tracing and put all his attention into studying Matteo’s voice and words and ever puzzled face. “Like, I am just exhausted all the time. I’m exhausted from this and everything and always.” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _Matteo wasn’t making the most eloquent sentences, but he was doing his best. Trying to process through his emotions and thoughts, trying to share them. Trying not to run from them or ignore them or write them off as nothing to stress about when he was clearly stressed about them. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“I am just exhausted and I can’t— I don’t— this isn’t— I’m exhausted.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Shh,” David said finally doing what he wanted to do all night and reaching out for Matteo’s hand. Matteo let him take it and David held it gently at first, but then when David heard the catch in Matteo’s voice as he tried to speak again, he tightened his grip. Matteo held tightly in response, voice falling away in comfort and eyes closing once again. David continued. “We don’t have to talk about this now if you don’t want to.” _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“When are we going to talk about it, then?” Matteo said almost instantly. “I want to talk now.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Okay,” David said. When Matteo didn’t keep talking, David tried to prompt him to keep going. “You said you aren’t just exhausted from tonight. What are you exhausted from?”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _It took Matteo a moment, but he opened his eyes again and looked at David’s chin as he answered with a heavy voice. “I’m exhausted from this being my every night.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“Every night?”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“It isn’t always this bad, but there is always something. Always something that I can’t handle and I just can’t deal with it anymore. I mean, I can and I will and all, I’m not going to do anything like that, but I am just exhausted and I don’t even know why.”_ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“It sounds like you do know why, though,” David said. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“No, no, I don’t know why,” Matteo said almost aggressively. “I don’t know what it fucking wrong with me!” His other hand released the pillow as he dramatically enunciated his words with hand movements and the pillow flopped down between them, almost hitting their clasped hands. _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _“There is nothing wrong with you,” David said shaking their hands every so slightly as he did. He tried to be present, and he mostly was, but he couldn’t help his mind from going back to when Matteo has told him the same thing: "You're good the way you are." It had brought him so much comfort, knowing that Matteo saw him, loved him and didn’t need him to change. He accepted him for who he was, no questions asked, no requests made. David just wanted Matteo to feel the same way. But judging by the way Matteo shifted onto his back and shut his eyes tightly, Matteo didn’t feel the same way. “Matteo? What did I say wrong?”____

_ __ _

_ __ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“You think this is normal?” Matteo questioned._ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“I’m not sure that normal even exists, babe.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“Yeah, well I am,” Matteo said. “And this isn’t it. I don’t know what normal is, but it isn’t this.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“This?”_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“This!” Matteo yelled opening his eyes and ripping his hand from Davids so he could frantically move his hands as he finally let it all out, speeding up and losing breath with every word. “Hiding from everything in the middle of a party because the lights were too damn bright and flashy and all colored and just too much! The lights making your eyes hurt and your head hurt and then that makes you feel sick to your stomach until you want to vomit and you aren’t sure if that is the lights or the beer you chugged because you thought it would numb you to the light, but it just makes everything nauseous and loud and so loud and I don’t even know where it was all coming from but it was everywhere and no one else in the whole fucking world seems to even notice, so clearly I just did this to myself, but how is that even possible and I don’t even know what is happening because how is it possible for things too be too loud and too bright but also not loud enough because sometimes it just feels like if they would shout louder it would stop being a problem and maybe it would feel loud and heavy enough and I just can’t grasp it, it’s like it exists within me but its so out of reach and there is no goddamn name for it and I am the only one and if you think this is normal then you need to go to a fucking shrink because this isn’t fucking norm—“_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _David realized he was never going to stop. Matteo, the boy who barely spoke half the time, the boy who never had all the words he wanted, the boy who’s words got stuck in his head, was never going to stop. The words started flowing for the first time, and he was never going to stop. He needed an equal and opposite force. So David let go of Matteo’s hand and climbed on top of him. He let his chest drop onto Matteo’s, filling the space that the pillow had occupied earlier. He let his hands rest atop Matteo’s shoulders, and his bent arms surround his shaking upper body. He let his legs slot between Matteo’s and tangled their ankles as much as he could. He let his neck nuzzle up to Matteo’s neck, their heads right next to each other. As the pressure took over, Matteo’s body settled. His bodied calmed, it accepted the weight, and his arms wrapped around David back in thanks. They squeezed tighter around David’s body as the words stopped falling from his mouth. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“I love you, Matteo,” David whispered. Matteo breathed in, short and loud. David could tell he was holding back tears. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _They laid like that, holding each other, for a while before Matteo finally gathered the ability to say the worlds that had no doubt been swimming in his beautiful, complicated brain the whole night, maybe even weeks, mouths. His whole life, really. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“I think I need to google my symptoms.”_ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _David hadn’t been the only one who had been thinking about that morning. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _David smiled a painful smile. His mind was split between that morning, this night, and the hours upon hours he had spend making lists and googling and perusing websites and forums and blogs. He could almost see it now— David sitting at Matteo’s desk, Matteo’s heavy black laptop on the tabletop. His fingers typing as Matteo tried to pinpoint exactly what he was feeling, exactly what he was experiencing. David translating Matteo’s ramblings into googleable keywords until they found something that sounded right. David had no idea what that would be, but there was something. Matteo knew it. David knew it. It was hard to admit, but Matteo was right. This wasn’t normal. And even though that realization sounded harsh, David knew that there was an exhilarating power in accepting that something was different, wrong even, and that something needed to be done, that something could be done. In that moment, David realized— or maybe he remembered— that if someone had told him five years ago that there was nothing wrong with him, that he was fine just the way he was, he probably would have turned away and screamed at them too. There was something. And Matteo just hadn’t found it yet. But someday he would find it. And David couldn’t wait for Matteo to find that same peace that he had found those years ago. _ _ _ _ _ _

_ _ _ _ _ _“Googling your symptoms,” David repeated wistfully. “That, I can help you with.”_ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
